At some point, most trauma survivors will hear these five crushing words: “Just get over it.” Whether tossed out in frustration, ignorance, or misguided optimism, this phrase is not only dismissive—it’s harmful.
For those who have never experienced deep psychological trauma, it might be hard to grasp why healing takes so long, why someone seems “stuck” in the past, or why certain behaviors don’t just go away with time. But trauma doesn’t follow logic or a timeline. It lingers in the body, hides in the nervous system, and reshapes how a person views themselves, others, and the world.
In this post, we’ll explore why telling someone to “just get over it” can be so damaging, what trauma truly involves, and how we can shift toward more compassionate, trauma-informed language.
What Is Trauma, Really?
Trauma isn’t just what happened to you. It’s what happened inside you as a result.
Psychological trauma is the emotional response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event. This could include abuse, neglect, violence, loss, accidents, or even ongoing microaggressions and emotional invalidation. Trauma may be:
- Acute: from a single incident (e.g., a car crash)
- Chronic: repeated exposure to distress (e.g., childhood abuse)
- Complex: layered trauma over time, often involving relationships or institutions
For many, trauma becomes embedded in the nervous system. It alters brain functioning, stress response, memory processing, and even physical health. Survivors often deal with:
- Flashbacks or intrusive memories
- Hypervigilance and anxiety
- Emotional numbness or dissociation
- Difficulty trusting others
- Low self-worth
- Depression and suicidal thoughts
Telling someone to “get over” these symptoms is like telling a person with a broken leg to run a marathon. It’s not just insensitive—it’s unrealistic.
The Impact of Dismissive Language
Words shape experience. When someone hears “just get over it,” it sends powerful subconscious messages:
1. Your pain isn’t real.
This message can trigger self-doubt and shame. Survivors may already question whether their trauma is “valid.” Dismissive comments only reinforce that internalized doubt.
2. You’re weak for struggling.
This fuels the toxic narrative that trauma is a matter of willpower, not psychology. Survivors are some of the strongest people alive—but strength doesn’t mean healing happens on command.
3. You're a burden.
The implication is that your healing process is inconvenient. That you're taking too long, or making others uncomfortable. This can lead to emotional isolation and a reluctance to seek support.
The result? Survivors may internalize these beliefs, leading to guilt, silence, or worsening mental health symptoms.
Why Trauma Can’t Be “Gotten Over”
Healing from trauma is a process, not a switch. Here's why it's not something people can simply “move on” from:
1. Trauma rewires the brain.
Neuroscience shows that trauma affects areas of the brain responsible for memory, fear response, and emotional regulation. The amygdala (alarm system) can become overactive, while the prefrontal cortex (rational thinking) may shut down under stress. It’s not a matter of mindset—it’s biology.
2. It’s stored in the body.
As Bessel van der Kolk wrote in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma isn’t just in the mind—it’s in the muscles, gut, and cells. The body remembers even when the mind tries to forget.
3. It often involves betrayal or loss of safety.
When trauma comes from abuse, neglect, or violence, it shatters trust in others—and in the self. Rebuilding this takes time, patience, and often professional help.
4. Triggers keep the trauma alive.
Smells, sounds, facial expressions, or environments can unconsciously remind someone of their trauma, causing panic or dissociation. These triggers can occur years after the event.
What to Say Instead
If “just get over it” is the worst thing to say, what’s better?
🌱 Say This Instead:
- “I believe you.”
- “I’m here for you.”
- “Take all the time you need.”
- “It’s okay to feel this way.”
- “You’re not alone in this.”
- “How can I support you?”
These responses validate, empower, and connect. They create safety—something trauma survivors desperately need.
The Cultural Pressure to "Move On"
Western culture often idolizes resilience in a way that ignores suffering. “Bounce back,” “stay strong,” “don’t dwell”—we’re taught that emotional expression is weakness, that healing must be fast and tidy.
But real resilience isn’t about pretending you’re fine. It’s about facing the pain, learning to navigate it, and eventually finding growth—not because someone pressured you, but because you were given the space to heal.
The Role of Empathy in Trauma Recovery
Empathy is more than sympathy. It’s feeling with someone, not for them. When you practice empathy with trauma survivors, you become a co-regulator—a safe presence that helps calm their nervous system.
You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to listen, believe them, and hold space without judgment. That’s where healing begins.
A Personal Perspective
[You can insert a short story here—either your own, anonymized, or a fictionalized case study.]
Example:
When I told my friend I was struggling with anxiety after a breakup that brought up old wounds, she said, “You really need to just get over it.” I didn’t say anything, but I shut down emotionally. I stopped reaching out. What she didn’t know is that the breakup had triggered memories of abandonment from childhood. I wasn’t being dramatic—I was in pain.
What I really needed was someone to say, “That sounds so hard. I’m here if you want to talk.” That sentence could have changed everything.
Final Thoughts — Choose Compassion Over Convenience
Telling someone to “just get over it” may feel like pushing them toward strength—but it actually pushes them into silence. Healing isn’t linear. It doesn’t follow your timeline. It’s messy, painful, and sacred.
Next time someone opens up about their trauma, take a deep breath. Listen. Be patient. Your compassion might be the first gentle step on their long road to recovery.
Because at the end of the day, no one ever healed because they were told to “get over it.”
They healed because someone said, “I see you. I’m with you. And you matter.”
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